masks

Why is it i feel it's so different to "put on a happy face" or be pleasant around those who don't know me well verses putting on a mask? i think i'm being real with them but am i? Why is it that my only freedom to be me is with my bf? and then I look at who I am and I don't like it... I'm not such a nice person... Why?? I feel like i'm doing so well then I just snap at the person i care about the most.... how does that happen? Why does that happen?? I know it's rather common to take things out on family and such but WHY WHY WHY I hate that and yes hate is a strong word and I'm using it! I want to be nice, pleasant, kind, encouraging to those I love but i'm not. I am what I hate. Doesn't Paul talk about that I do what I don't want to. How can this be changed? Should it be changed? What is a healthy way of truly releasing negative emotions that isn't on others or at least isn't always on the same person/group of people? Sigh I just fail really I do.

Questions

Why is it I don’t seem to belong? Why is it that I fit sorta in groups but only once in my life ever truly felt I belonged somewhere? Why is it that one place I could only spend a year and half? Why is it that I seem to hold so many undesirable traits to befriend? What do I do to seemingly tell people don’t get close to me? Why don’t people every invite me places? How do I present myself as someone who doesn’t want to join in? What is it about me that doesn’t fit with the cool group, doesn’t fit with the clubbers, doesn’t fit with the nerds, doesn’t fit with the philosophers, doesn’t fit with the ultra Christian, and doesn’t fit with the nice people? I just don’t fit. Yes, maybe I hang out more with nerds who are moralistic but I know I don’t fit even if maybe they don’t see it. Why is it that when I leave an area all the sudden 5 minutes later everyone is having fun but while I was there most people complain about something or are silent? What is this effect I have on people? I don’t understand how I could be so repulsive to so many people. I just don’t get it. I have even worked really hard on being a more positive person to be around keeping my discussion of anything negative to a minimal. I try to listen to people be there for them but somehow no one ever wants to talk to me. I try to be intellectual and have intelligent comments when discussing topics I know at least sometimes I make an impact because you’ll see it in future comments the individual makes. I know it’s really not me working there it is God He just works through me. But why does this put up some sort of barrier. Why is it that I feel like the only one who doesn’t have experience with British people? I’ve met some yes had discussions yes actually hung out with any no. People are getting invited to go places by British people. They even call them friends. I’ve barely had a few conversations with people. Why is it that when people do things it’s never hey lets see if Mary wants to go. If I happen to be there or if I have the idea then I go but if I’m not the person who came up with it or if I didn’t ask to go then I never get thought of. Oh how I wish I was back at OCC where I felt I belonged I felt like those I was friends with truly wanted to be around me. Truly wanted me to be apart of what was going on in their lives. They wanted to share with me they wanted to have fun with me. What is so different about every other place, every other large group of people I’ve ever met? What was it about me then that is so much more appealing than me now? How can I go back to who I was and become that again? What kind of mindset was it? What kind of social desire was it? What gave me the comfort there where my guards are up elsewhere?


I don't mean to sound depressed. I just miss friends. I miss having fun. I miss people who are close to me. I miss a sense of community. I miss home.

The things I think...

Well I'm in an Child Abuse class. I'm learning about so much of what goes on in the child, the parent, the abuser, how to treat, how to legally deal with things. Oh it's amazing. The teacher is great and has such a heart for this. WOW what a blessing. You know what's so weird is that most people I know understand that I don't like kids much and I don't want to have my own by any means. But, I think God placed that dislike in me for a reason. That reason has become more apparent at least I think so. For at least a time I feel obligated/called to use this wonderful information that God is giving me to work with children. I know it's depressing to work with abused children and many times overwhelming. However, I think my disliking of kids will emotionally make me able to handle it. I believe that if I just loved kids this kind of work would ruin me. Totally kill me inside. Not saying that I like this kind of thing happening please don't misunderstand me. But, the ability to pull emotionally out of the situation enough in that I'm not naturally drawn to children gives me an advantage to helping them. I believe God gives me immense amounts of compassion for people and that I truly do care about others. Through that I can show the children love and care they need from a therapist without the overwhelming dismay of the abuse etc. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but I had that thought today and really felt a need to share it with others. So here it is.

Who Told You?

I am so sick of girls complaining that guys are attracted to make-up and nice hair! OMGosh it's the only thing that is manly anymore. Women don't call men to be men so why should they act as our heros loving our personality first if we dont' encourage better men. Right now all women are encouraging is insulting men and what manhood they have left!! Why shouldn't they look at us only for our looks is that not the only thing that disingusihes us from guys now?? Women are so trying to be more like men and insult anything that separates us all they(guys) have left to not turn gay sometimes is our looks Seriously. Not to mention most women enjoy looking nice it's a feminine thing to do. I donno about other women as much but I enjoy men thinking i'm pretty and look nice every now and again. Well enough about that.

Chapel today was on homosexuality and the way Christians treat them and look at them. I've come to a conclusion that who told us we had a right to judge sins?? i don't believe there is a ranking system on sins and that homosexuality is worse than others, but even if there was a ranking system who are we to say what is a higher sin?? When did we get that authority?? We don't have any right to look at anyones sins but our own. We can help those around us who want help but we are called to LOVE not condem or judge or in any form or fashion to see people as anything but the children of God. There are several passages to love one another not only that there are passages against judgeing. (he who is without sin cast the first stone! Not only that but the one who could DIDN'T!!!) When someone asks us for help we are to keep them accountable but not in a form of judgement like hey you are doing this wrong. ONLY God has that right. We can ask questions like how is your spiritual walk? or How is your genuinity of your faith walk? how are you doing with this and that, but still that does not give us the right to judge anything about that nor to say how it should be done just that we are there to help and maybe share personal experience and pray with and for the person. God is the one who changes lives we only plant seeds and love on people God is the ONE true evangelist who can bring revelation of Salvation. We are only tools at His disposal. We are simply called to love why do we bring so much complication into that calling? Who told us we had those rights? Who told us that we could discern those things? And how did we let him get such traction in our lives, in our churches, in the body of Christ?HOW?

ouch...

I know it's better but ouch. I wish it wasn't the way it is. I want to love, I want to talk, I want to be there. I really do pray this doesn't go anywhere but better than before I have this inner fear that it's going somewhere else. What would I do if that happend? My life would be totally turned upside down. I donno if I could go back to Joplin if that was the case. I guess if nothing else this is a glimps of what it might be like on a very small scale. I think I would be forced to journal alot. I have tonight already this being like the third time. I think I talk too much. But friends are wonderful especially those who offer to pray with you... Man I haven't had that in forever Definitely my God moment for the day.

So I have a pidgon who sits on my window ledge. He/She makes a mess there but it's kinda like my own personal pet. That I don't really get any of the cuddleing or cleaning but just something that's there. Not always so not annoying but Just there. Granted sometimes scares the poop out of me but that comes with hitting my window lol.

I like apples. They are yummy but sometimes they just hurt my tummy. I haven't figured out why that is but sometimes they just make it all upset... Sadness it was so yummy.

I think i should go out to grents, but room mate is not feeling well so I don't really wanna leave her alone but don't wanna disturb her either. .. And I would much rather just be with people tonight. maybe I'll go for a walk I have 3000ish steps to reach my 10,000 a day. Just fyi 2000ish were in aerobics lol. 500ish is just walking to class....

Well off to prayer shall ministry.. It was interesting to write again Ttfn

There is a long journey ahead.
There is a road that's hard.
There is too many bumps.
There is too many dangers.
What to do?
I'll go.


What can He not work through?
What strength can He not give?
What pain can hinder His work?
What danger can He not protect from?
There is your answer
I'll go


His plan takes time but He's with you.
His plan may be difficult but He'll help.
His plan can be painful but He'll comfort.
His plan may be dangerous but He's already conquered evil.
He's calling
I'll go

Clothing

I do so enjoy wearing Goth clothing. I really am more comfortable this way. I feel like I can be me though I hate to say it but the world really does affect this aspect of my life. As much as I like wearing all black cute clothing it really just is not accepted first from Christians, then in the work place, and really anywhere but specific areas. Honestly that is very sad. I wore some of my Goth clothes today simply because I wanted to have the feeling of being me here. Well no one really looked down on it (besides slightly my work but that’s a long funny story and part of the reason I love working there lol) but at the same time people weren't really accepting of it either. I was walking to my cross training class and people would turn away from me and Try not to stare, kinda of interesting how when I wear certain clothing I'm all the sudden not” normal" and it becomes awkward. Granted this is something I am very used to when I wear these clothes but it just hit funny when I was walking. In all honesty that caused a reaction that has never happened while wearing these clothes before. I actually played the part of the stereotype. I became more closed off more hating the world ish if that makes sense. It scared me a little. It was totally fine after that but it was an interesting few minutes. I very much wish I could just be this person who wears these clothes and feels just confident in that but the world really does just influence that too much to be possible. It draws too much attention, and is stereotyped to the point that it would hurt who I'm trying so hard to be for Christ. Tis a sad realization when one realizes that something simple like clothing really does effect (either helping or hurting) your witness.