Questions

Why is it I don’t seem to belong? Why is it that I fit sorta in groups but only once in my life ever truly felt I belonged somewhere? Why is it that one place I could only spend a year and half? Why is it that I seem to hold so many undesirable traits to befriend? What do I do to seemingly tell people don’t get close to me? Why don’t people every invite me places? How do I present myself as someone who doesn’t want to join in? What is it about me that doesn’t fit with the cool group, doesn’t fit with the clubbers, doesn’t fit with the nerds, doesn’t fit with the philosophers, doesn’t fit with the ultra Christian, and doesn’t fit with the nice people? I just don’t fit. Yes, maybe I hang out more with nerds who are moralistic but I know I don’t fit even if maybe they don’t see it. Why is it that when I leave an area all the sudden 5 minutes later everyone is having fun but while I was there most people complain about something or are silent? What is this effect I have on people? I don’t understand how I could be so repulsive to so many people. I just don’t get it. I have even worked really hard on being a more positive person to be around keeping my discussion of anything negative to a minimal. I try to listen to people be there for them but somehow no one ever wants to talk to me. I try to be intellectual and have intelligent comments when discussing topics I know at least sometimes I make an impact because you’ll see it in future comments the individual makes. I know it’s really not me working there it is God He just works through me. But why does this put up some sort of barrier. Why is it that I feel like the only one who doesn’t have experience with British people? I’ve met some yes had discussions yes actually hung out with any no. People are getting invited to go places by British people. They even call them friends. I’ve barely had a few conversations with people. Why is it that when people do things it’s never hey lets see if Mary wants to go. If I happen to be there or if I have the idea then I go but if I’m not the person who came up with it or if I didn’t ask to go then I never get thought of. Oh how I wish I was back at OCC where I felt I belonged I felt like those I was friends with truly wanted to be around me. Truly wanted me to be apart of what was going on in their lives. They wanted to share with me they wanted to have fun with me. What is so different about every other place, every other large group of people I’ve ever met? What was it about me then that is so much more appealing than me now? How can I go back to who I was and become that again? What kind of mindset was it? What kind of social desire was it? What gave me the comfort there where my guards are up elsewhere?


I don't mean to sound depressed. I just miss friends. I miss having fun. I miss people who are close to me. I miss a sense of community. I miss home.