thinkin

Well so today was wonderful due to some smiles from a friend. We (as in my family) were in down town Austin today. We went some places we don't get to often. It was nice but tiring. I was thinking in the car though (which is sometimes bad for me), wishing I had brought some memory verses, I started to think of past boyfriends. I'm not sure why that came to mind but I noticed I prepare guys for girls that they end up with for a long time. Kinda odd. Like Billy and Kristen, Dakotah and Ashley, Philip and I forget her name, David P and Lauren, and Kevin and Kendra. Rather ironic really. All of these people were together at least a year most longer. It made me think about Sweet November, maybe I'm like her more than I like to admit even though I'm not sexual like her I seem to do the same job (not really a job but you know). I just kinda prepare people for other people. I hope though that unlike her I find someone I'm really meant to be with I don't give him up like she did. Though I hope I'm not in her situation either. Though i guess part of it pertains to the fact I'm reading Nicholas Sparks again. As much as I hate to admit I am a bit of my mother and read some romances. But I only read Nicholas Sparks he is amazing writer. Though because it is a love story I begin to think and wonder. Sigh I think I'll read I kissed dating goodbye that might help to read at the same time. (Side note I did get wonderful books from half price with a gift card my rents gave me. I got.... I kissed dating goodbye, book I hope to give away though I donno to who yet, Improving Your Serve by Charles Swindoll, Let Me Be A Woman by Elizabeth Elliot, Love Me With Tough Love by Anne Ortlund and The Pleasures of God by John Piper. Should keep me reading for a good while and should have some amazing insights I love most of those authors.) Anyway all in all I've been way to girly i guess is the best way to say that. Boys are just bad sometimes. I still wonder, I do believe I'll wonder for a long time but that’s ok with me (or at least I feel better that I can say that)
I have much more to write but I have the opportunity to watch hunchback of Notre Dam so I'm going to tootles

switch back on switch back on...... please

So I really did realize how much more my OCC friends mean to me than the people here. I hung out with an old friend that we used to be close but not so much now. It was weird we went to the mall and saw many people that I could have done without ever seeing again. Oh well. Then I started texting an OCC friend because I wanted to be me and feel human again (by human I mean able to have a relation with another human beyond chit chat and true feelings and compassion for one another). I'm not sure what it is but it seems when I get here around old friends in old places I snap into someone I'm completely not. Not that my actions change, minus I get a lot shyer, but my thoughts and attitude do. I feel dark and alone, I feel useless, I feel vulnerable, I feel in danger, I feel attractive in a dirty sense (if that doesn't makes sense just ask and I'll explain), I feel Satan beating me. I donno why this happens. I sure wish it would not. I want people here to see the new me the fun, weird, wonderful person I became at OCC but it just seems it only followed me so far, and then it got left behind somewhere. I mean I have it at home mostly, minus some frustration, but around any of my old friends I just turn off, like an automatic switch turning off who I've become. I'm not sure I could ever live here after I'm done with college simply because this happens I need to be away from my old self. It's like taking your grave clothes off and putting on new ones then going back to where you placed the grave clothes just holding them getting the new clothes a little dirty. I am so blessed by the wonderful friends I have made at OCC.

Blessings

What a peaceful wonderful day. I think for once my focus at least was in the right place today. I know my actions, attitudes etc were not correct but thankfully my thoughts were. I sat outside today for a bit. It was cool and very pleasant. God is so wonderful to send weather like that for such a special occasion. I thought a lot about God, friends and family. It was nice just to think about others and remember what a blessing they are and what a blessing God gave us. I really do need to sit and just ponder that concept more often, keeping salvation fresh in my mind. I have recently gained a new perspective on things. It happened at OCC but I didn't know what it meant until I got home. I think it is very good to have this new outlook I just need to learn how to react and utilize it. YAY for application, lol. Well I know I have my work cut out for me this semester and I haven't even looked at what classes I should take. I know though that I have friends that I won't loose contact with, there may be distance and relationships not the same but we will not loose total contact. Even if we don't talk for months I'll be connected to them because I know I'll be praying for them. God will connect us. Such a relief to know that I have people to specifically pray for and that I know I can go to them for prayer and guidance. I have been so blessed I have no choice but to share this goodness that has been given to me! I pray that I have the ability to do so. God is so good and I can't keep quiet about it!

complaint

OH how I dislike being around my family... I so just want to go back to college. Man it is so weird to have the same feelings now as I did when I moved to college except this is worse because I knew that I would see my family again I donno about anyone else... But I am just sick and tired of being around them. They are all so negative all the time I can't handle it. Also I have like NO alone time, which you think, would be more apparent in a dorm… No, I can be alone when I want I just leave or Tasha wasn't even around too much or I just shut and lock the door no biggie but I can't do that here. Also just the noise I can't escape it. Argh I feel like I’m just complaining which I hate to do which just makes this situation worse. I'm so frustrated and upset it's not even funny. I yelled several times today. I haven't yelled in two years. I was doing so well controlling my frustration now I’ve really just digressed in the utmost fashion. I'm not sure I could get much worse at this point. Sadness much sadness. I just want to have a certain person to talk to. I would survive much better with just simple talk person to person conversation. The phone helps some but not a whole lot sometimes I’m just too tired for that and it's very apparent that he can't read my facial expressions over the phone. Also, we both have just been in weird moods lately that just don't fit as we normally do UGH. I so want to cry which feels like an awful thing to do because they are my family but like I’ve said I moved 12 hrs away for a reason. Sigh well now that I’ve ranted here and to God I think I shall do my chores then go to bed for a bit it's a nice place for me now... I dream a lot lately all about OCC people and it's rather pleasant to be able to escape that way.

stupid emotions

Yet again, I doubt. Sadness. When I want something to change I put out hints so that it will and when it does I feel it's for the wrong reasons though I truly hope partially it is. Why do I do such things they seem so selfish and following my own desires instead of Gods. Sigh. What can I do? Nothing really. I guess I'll sit back once more and let God do what He wishes and let Him guide me out of this once again. Endless cycle.....


I think I have such strong feelings for this person but some logic keeps telling me reasons he's not what/ who I want which isn't fair to him at all. My emotions and thoughts seem solely devoted to him, really without my consent it seems. He mentioned that his thoughts are on one thing that he can't control and that it isn't bad, just not the right time for something good. I assume WAY too much out of that... Though I really hope I'm right. Well at the same times I'm really scared to be right. I donno. I guess we'll see.

Why is it that I always journal such things? Why can't I journal the deeper questions in life? or the meanings in the books I find? Why must it always lead back to random emotions that I can't seem to understand? Always the same problem always the same feelings, always the same fears and hurts... WHY? Dang it I want to get rid of them yet I so desire to embrace them. In God I must trust. I have a hard time with that frequently, but only in certain matters, others I trust God with just fine. ARGH yucky life so confusing. Surrender... that’s what I need to do, just surrender it all to God and let go of my heart and my life and just be devoted to God and His Heart His Mind, His Desires, His Motives, HIM... I must surrender my life wholly and completely to HIM. I will... I will try at least....

alone

Wow so I’ve only been home since Friday late and I already feel alone and without anyone to talk to.... I donno if I’ll be able to survive this. I need to get connected to a community somewhere. I donno where to do that though. After reading about Don Miller's loneliness in Blue Like Jazz it made me realize what scared me so much about coming home. I had such a WONDERFUL community at OCC. Now I have none. Changing so drastically is scary. I donno what to do about it though. I know there aren't many Christians like the ones I left there and there aren't many that can really be on my level anymore. It was a blessing curse to go to OCC. As much as I loved it and as much as I learned, I feel so distant from the rest of the world. Not really better I'm not that arrogant but just at a different place. I can no longer discuss things with many people just because I have such a different view of things now. I really am so very changed from who I was to who I am God what am I to do?? God I know I turn to You that’s basically a given but I'm frightened that I won't find anyone. That I'll feel alone even though I know You are with me I don't have other humans to talk to. People say it's hard to keep contact and it is. But I think the difference this time will be necessity for me. I won't be able to handle just leaving everyone I knew with out contact with them. I can't there is no way. They'll keep contact with me whether they want it or not lol jkjk. At least John and Tasha and Amy and I have great hope for Jared but we'll see if that happens. Hopefully more than that. We'll just have to see what actually happens. I know I will be able to better care for myself here, but is it worth not having a community? I don't really think so but I don't have much choice at the moment. Maybe I'll be able to connect to an Austin Stone group they seem to have a wonderful community but at the same time I have a feeling there will be a distance there as well... Sigh. I just wanna talk for hours with someone. My family doesn't really listen, people don't have time, but I just want to share my life with someone. Why is that so hard to do? You know that’s why these things exist. Because real people don't listen and share their lives together enough so they write about it because they can't contain it. It really is so true very very sad but oh so true. If I get blessed with a family we will have time to just sit and talk. Sharing our lives together. Then we'll have times with friends that come over and play games and just sit and talk as well. Bible studies that take time to share our lives. It's a human need. God made us that way.