masks

Why is it i feel it's so different to "put on a happy face" or be pleasant around those who don't know me well verses putting on a mask? i think i'm being real with them but am i? Why is it that my only freedom to be me is with my bf? and then I look at who I am and I don't like it... I'm not such a nice person... Why?? I feel like i'm doing so well then I just snap at the person i care about the most.... how does that happen? Why does that happen?? I know it's rather common to take things out on family and such but WHY WHY WHY I hate that and yes hate is a strong word and I'm using it! I want to be nice, pleasant, kind, encouraging to those I love but i'm not. I am what I hate. Doesn't Paul talk about that I do what I don't want to. How can this be changed? Should it be changed? What is a healthy way of truly releasing negative emotions that isn't on others or at least isn't always on the same person/group of people? Sigh I just fail really I do.