Getting things off my chest

Well do to the inactivity I have on this thing I hope no one checks it I just kinda need to get some things out on something and this happens to be more safe due to my family not checking it. They tend to get into all my stuff. I think one reason I've been upset lately is because they don't just leave my stuff alone. My bro and cousin who stayed here while we were on vacation cleaned the kitchen and living room down stairs and in the process dumped a bunch of stuff in my room which in my mind isn't cleaning. Also they stated that it took them 10 hrs a piece. If it took them that long they really must have just taken their sweet time with it. I've cleaned the kitchen like they did and took 30 min. I mean really. I think I'm really selfish also. My cousin got a new camera and I kinda made an argument toward film camera instead of the digital he got and I think it got either over emotional or was just done in the wrong way. We used to be able to argue about such things with ease, with out having to worry that the other was getting into it, but last night I think I offended him and his new toy making me seem really jealous which I guess I am a little bit but I really just wanted to debate and talk to him. He hasn't been talking to me like normal. If you know me and my cousin we are the best of friends or were until this summer. Now we barely talk and it really hurts to have our relationship torn apart like that. Especially when he's staying here because I wanted to have the opportunity to be close to him again this summer. Which really isn't what's happening. I guess it's a little because I was working so much and tired when I came home. At the same time though that was him last year and we did fine I donno. Maybe he's just past a lot of what I'm stuck at and we don't relate as well I don't get it. I guess that's part of growing up though. I don't like it. I'm scared that a lot of that similar thing has been happening recently though I know of some that are really my fault and some that aren't so my fault. Either way it's happening way to much it hurts a whole whole lot. I don't like it. I'm even more scared that it's going to happen more when I finally leave for college in 3 1/2 weeks. I don't want to have nothing to come back here to. Though that's the way it seems at the moment. I guess it's good to leave the past behind but at least in Stillwater I had something to miss and friends that I still care about. I'm ending up not having a lot of that here. I have Julie and she and I will keep touch I couldn't just forget her. I missed her the week I was gone and thought about needing to talk to her while I was there that's how I know our friendship will never die. Though Julie isn't staying here either she'll be in San Antonio and I doubt she'll come back after college. My church has become so distant to me. As an inbetween college and high school there really isn't a place for me I feel really rejected which is a horrible feeling from a church. Which might be a product of two of my better friends being split between youth and college and neither of them close anymore. I doubt I'll ever look forward to coming back to it at this point. I know some of the people (mainly adults) I'll be happy to come back to and some youth like Mallory and Aaron S, but even Derek and Cara I don't talk to anymore it hurts a lot. Those were the people that helped me through middle school and the very few I stayed friends with the whole time I've been here. Then there is Dan wow were we close and now so distant like strangers once again. We saw it falling apart and talked about saving it though neither of us really did. Loosing so many friends all at once is so painful I can't stand it much anymore. I also lost people like Lancie and Luke and Joe all in a row one right after the other. Luke has talked about hanging out but I know it won't be the same as it once was. I feel so much like just crying all the pain away but I know that won't help I'll just look like a mess and later have to explain this to someone else. If this is growing up I don't like it. God made us to be social not to be alone but that's how I feel right now. I know Julie is there which is a great blessing for me. I know Richard is there which is also wonderful. Eric and Travis have also always been there for me when I needed them but something is different I donno what yet but something. And sometimes Mallory, Aaron S, Aaron H, and maybe Robby are there for me. Though the last few were more people I'd become close to just recently (maybe known a while but just recently close to) and just don't have the full connection like Julie and I or the people I lost. It feels better to finally let that out and fully realize it but it hurts at the same time. And that's that.