John

Look what I'm using again wow. Something I really never thought I would do but I need to now. Mostly because it keeps all my deep thoughts separated that if one person finds one of these things it's not my total life, which I do my darndest to keep just between me and God. John stepped HARD on the line a few nights ago. Well Monday night I believe. It hurt more than anything which was surprising. He really was just caring about me and wanted to move our relationship along a different step but I know he planned it all out but what he didn't plan out was how much I was hiding and why I was hiding it. Well I got no where even near telling him anything of significance but in so many ways he did what I want that but I guess while his reasons were kind of sweet, and heart felt they were not the right ones in my opinion. Part of me immediately started to love... Wow love interesting or was it something else... both are quite debatable. But yesterday it started. My heart began to harden. Oh how I wish it wouldn't. I've been here too many times. I was doing so well. I was letting someone in.... Argh. It is really sad to watch that happen. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that ability. Yet, other times it is such a blessing, and I know it will be when this shock of it passes also. I am so glad that I am a Christian. This would break me if I weren't. But God is my strength and my redeemer. I know in time God will soften my heart in time with the right person. But it was sad and hurts to know it has hardened even in the slightest toward John. I want to back away from the friendship sooo much but I know that if I did that it would be devastating to us. That isn't worth it, but what if he turns into another Dan. Well actually I bet that’s exactly what will happen. He'll eventually learn to deal with it. Or harden himself as I know he already has but harden towards me. Why can't I just be a help and not such a hindrance??? I don't want to do this to people. I wish I could just serve and not worry about it. I keep thinking that maybe God really did want me to just want me to be single at least until I’ve finished college. I kinda want to say forever but that hurts and scares me. I'm not sure I could handle that. I know God would be with me but it's just unnerving to think about. I need to get back into my disciplines. While caring about people is more important to care for me I need those. I can't function without those things. I just don't work that way. I need to have a clean room. I need to do my bible study, I need to be disciplined