Thoughts only thoughts

Well there is someone I just can not get out of my mind. He seems so sad. Needing so much love yet he's fine all alone. Part of me loves so much about him yet at the same time I wonder if I'm attracted to him simply because he deserves someone to love him. I want to be his dream, to make him happy. I want to be able to serve him and see him smile. Is this possible I don't know. Does he want me to be that person I don't know. Will I ever know? I hope before I leave I do.

Happiness

Well I donno about hiding this but I wanted to post it here and not the other one. I feel that after talking to my good friend Dan that life is better I got out that I have been depressed and that I need to change and that the way I live should be changing my depression not just masking it. I donno if he knows how much he helped but I'll let him know soon. I feel so relieved it's amazing. I wanna go and do so much now there just isn't enough hrs in the day! I got kissed this morning I didn't tell anyone which felt kinda weird for me cuz I usually tell Julie those type of things but yeah. I don't think I should let that relation go anywhere it's way way way to physical for me. I do keep thinking of a few guys they just won't get out of my head. But being a dorky high schooler there are three and those three I shouldn't be with any of them except maybe one but I don't even know that one well enough to say anything. I think I'm going to just enjoy being single it's better that way. Life is so enjoyable now even at school taking a stupid BIMM quiz I was just happy to be in existence. So many people have truly impacted me lately. I thank God for this change in my life I don't know where I would be if I had kept down the same road. However, at the same time I feel I'm losing connection with Julie we just don't click as much it's a sad day but I think part of it is her realization that we won't see each other in college and we won't necessarily need each other there or maybe that's me I donno I have stupid defense mechanisms going up everywhere lol. So yeah. Off I go to work byes

I HATE IT

Ok So for those who don't know and that's no one cuz hopefully no one reads this I'm a depressed person who doesn't really give a shit about anything. I hate the world I hate high school I hate just about everything. The only reason I'm not suicidal now is because I have a strong faith that gives me some purpose in life. I realized that I don't think I believe in human love. I don't know if I've ever seen it. I mean I know a lot about love anything you could tell me I probably already know but that doesn't make me think that it could happen to me or that it is what it's said to be in humans. Half the time it just seems like this lost dream we have. The only time I've ever felt love besides the friendly kinda is from God. I seem like this happy strong Christian innocent person but I'm not. I never will be. I've been through too much know too much and don't care a lick about too much to ever be who people see me as and you know what I DON"T CARE. SO yeah that's my grip for today byes

Ut Oh

Ok well So I was in BIMM and I looked up flinstones and jestsons under dogpile.com and they were totally porn cartoon pics. I was totally grossed out beyond belief. However, as disgusting as it is I can't seem to get it out of my mind at the same time. I hate it. Now I see why porn and such is seen as addictive. I hate thinking about it. It's nasty gross things that I would've preferred never seen in my life but I can' t seem to do much without seeing those pics. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have hormones right now that it all just was the same. I know I'm probably never going to fully get away from what I saw and I now more fully understand why God tells us not to put anything bad in our bodies or minds because it isn't a one time thing it is then stored in your brain and influences you greatly. I feel like I need to just travel to a convent and become Catholic so I can be a nun. I hate this feeling but I guess it's just one of those things. Well I gtg to work byes

Outtlet for those feelings and thoughts unknown

Well since I can't put this on my real blog I'll put it here and see what happens.

Life never seems to go the way we plan God is the designer not us. Though just sometimes I would like for things to just work out nicely why can't that happen?? I suppose it will in the end but the end seems far away. I know the end could be tomorrow but it wasn't today so why should I think it might be tomorrow. You know that whole live today like there is no tomorrow thing that's just bull crap. It makes no logical sense what so ever. I mean yes you should live your life but more than likely you aren't going to die tomorrow and yes you need to tell people you love them when you do and you need to not dwell on things but that's part of life not living like there is no tomorrow. Live like there is a tomorrow. Live as though you have a future. Live for the future. The present and totally sux but I believe the future with God in heaven is all we truly have to live for, everything else isn't worth it. I so want to get away from here yet I want certain things not to change that I know will. I need to move on from here but I know I'll loose so much when that happens. I'm so scared of what could happen while I'm at college, yet I'm more scared of what would happen if I stayed here. Life is never easy but you have to take it as it comes. Along the way something will happen if you let it and joy will shine through. There are ways to pull through anything it just may be harder than you think you can handle but it's amazing what a person can do when they have no other choice. I don't know why I spout all this here maybe it's cuz I feel like no one would listen or care if I told them in person I know that isn't true but who really does care that I think all this. I mean it effects no one but me that I know anything at all. Life will go on after I'm gone, people will continue to live their lives happily without me. I know I effect things and I know people will miss me but honestly I'm not the center of anyone's life but my own. People say it's bad to be selfish but what else is there? I know God loves me and I know in every way I want to be a servant for Him, I know I love serving others I believe that's what I'm called to do, but at the same time if I didn't would anyone notice? If I traveled millions of miles away people would miss me for a while but people forget it's how the brain is constructed. Well ok I'm done with all that depressing crap. Good night

Hopefully no one I know will find this.