Envy

Ok so I've never really been one to be very social but I've always wanted to be. I mean people seem so happy always talking to each other. I never really learned how to do that. My rents would talk and I would always just listen. Mainly cuz if I did talk I was sent to bed or felt stupid (still happens well not the sent to bed part but yeah) I don't regret doing this because it made me the listener I am now which is a very good thing but at the same time I don't know how to just talk to people very well. There are a few people where I was always able to do this but even those people have drifted away from me. I feel so alone. I look at the YLT and see everyone so close while I stand on the sidelines thinking where was I when we had all this bonding. At WNL if Derek hadn't come the past few times I would be just standing alone off in my own world cuz I have no friends there anymore. Sam is up in the tech booth and yeah. That would be it. Then at school I think Julie is starting to hate me or something she never talks in the car anymore and seems she's simply my friend because I take her places. She never wants to do anything anymore, and she has started having me shuffle around her other friends I feel like I'm being taken a bit advantage of. Sigh. I do have Luke and Dan, but Luke doesn't even really talk to me either, I'm not too sure why he likes me so. Dan well Dan is putting up with me because we've always been close friends and he won't drop that now, I know he enjoys my company and talking to me but if I disappeared it would be no loss for him. Work. Well work everyone is like best buds. Ashley and Brittany are inseparable. Jonie, Allie and Tama are really close. Colin still doesn't like being here, and is friends more with Jonie. Bria is good with everyone she's such a sweetie. (that's all that I work with on a normal basis) So yeah I'm out there more just scurrying around in the back trying not to be a nuisance in their conversations that they choose to leave me out of. Tonight was better Colin kinda makes it easier for me and Allie not being there def changes my mood. So yeah. I feel so alone. I think it's a VERY good thing I'm getting Far Far Far away from here for college where I'm not around anyone that's here. I know I'm not that God is there for me and he does comfort me sooooo much it's so amazing, but in that comfort comes realization and needing to get this out so I'm getting it out. Julie says that song I'm so lonely is depressing but I think it's just a cute way of expressing how I feel sometimes. Though every time I think of Luke and know I'm not alone but..............
So I don't really feel better after writing that but I know it was good to get out so there it is. If you are reading this don't read what's not there. That's dangerous.

Notebook

I sat there watching enjoying the familiar romance story. Though this time instead of falling for the character before me I thought of him. I hope others can watch that and feel what I felt it's rather amazing.
I donno if I'll always feel this way but it's nice that it is here now for me to enjoy.

Scared

What would you think if someone you deeply cared for told you they were keeping something from you, because in their mind "things would be different"? I wish somehow I could show you how worried I am that you won't tell me and let you know that telling me wouldn't be as bad as this. Nothing can take away love for love is God and God is always there in every relationship. I don't think I'll get much time with you because I'll be going off to college far away. I don't want to be in this kinda argument while I'm here. I want our relationship to be love. I want to sit and talk to you for hrs not worrying about anything I want to just lay next to you gazing at the stars or a blue sky. There's so many perfect scenes I see us in yet this is distancing me from them. It hasn't even been a month yet but ............. huggle





I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING DANG IT. AND IT"S NOT JUST HIM JULIE TOO! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Mine

It was so perfect so wonderful. Anytime I spend with you always is just right. I miss you so . Now I remember what it's like to be committed and to love. Though it seems so different this time and I'm not sure why yet but I'll figure it out. A huge part of me just wants to crawl into bed with you not to do anything just to be near you, to hear your voice, to make you smile, and just that feeling I get around you that I want to be better that I feel such peace with how I am. I never tell you enough how much you mean to me and how wonderful you really are. I wish I could just come out and say how perfect you are to me and everything but I'm not good at that. I never have been good with compliments. I wish I was. I'll practice more practice makes perfect. Oh how I wish you were here just holding me close. I don't need a big romantic date (though you are very good at those our last one was just amazing) I just need you.